me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok