I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
And that about sums it up.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.