@KarateDonuts: Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.
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@barryjohnharper: I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can't do both.
@Robert_Beau: Sunday Family Dinner: Mother In Law: Isn't that your third glass of wine? Me: Isn't that your third husband? MIL: M: MIL: M: Gravy?
@MelvinofYork: I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
@TySmithdrums: Me: "I can't find your phone." Her: "Call it." Me: "Here, phone!" Her: "I hate you."
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