@KarateDonuts

Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

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@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

@dmedelstein

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

@DanMentos

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed