Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

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{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.


I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now


10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]


ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not


Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.


me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell


“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed