You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.