@AmericanGent69
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
@KarateDonuts
Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.
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@AmericanGent69
@wickedsuga
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
@tastefactory
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
@baconNmeggs
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
@dmedelstein
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
@KalvinMacleod
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
@1followernodad
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
@kobychill
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
@DanMentos
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
@AmishPornStar1
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow