dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV