Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AllanForsyth

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

@UnFitz

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@Girl_Censored

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

@ClichedOut

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

@LoriLuvsShoes

My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house

@poutinesmoothie

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

@BipolarBearDick

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.