Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save