@ArfMeasures

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

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@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

@Marlebean

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@itsmovies

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@MelKassel

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.