Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.