@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

You Might Also Like

@MissHavisham

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@Phook75

Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@MissSassy_Pants

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@ShutUpThatsWho

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.