Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no