Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.