Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.