@sixfootcandy

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

You Might Also Like

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@zachreinert03

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

@Kaylezor

On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says “This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it.” Omg.

@KMoFlo_official

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!