Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You Might Also Like
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
There is no try. There is only give up.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again