I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
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Common sense: Walk away.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says “This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it.” Omg.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!