Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.