Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret


snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*


Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?


[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.





[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]





In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.



Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.


Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.