me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.