Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese