me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

You Might Also Like


I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”


[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one


Does anyone else start hearing the Jumanji drum sound right before their kids come home from school?


Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*


I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.


The best actress award goes to my 8YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime


My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new