I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[at adoption agency]
“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
“I just love kids”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Does anyone else start hearing the Jumanji drum sound right before their kids come home from school?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The best actress award goes to my 8YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new