@drinksmcgee: Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don't want to do something.
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@UnFitz: Me: Let me stay over. I'll burn you breakfast in the morning. Her: You mean BRING me breakfast. Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
@HenpeckedHal: Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you're reading this, I can't replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk--still echoing in my soul--serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
@runawaycupcake: The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?