@UnFitz: Me: Let me stay over. I'll burn you breakfast in the morning. Her: You mean BRING me breakfast. Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@HenpeckedHal: Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you're reading this, I can't replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk--still echoing in my soul--serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@runawaycupcake: The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?

@Tuna_Lover: I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one's.