@drinksmcgee
@Rollinintheseat It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.
You Might Also Like
@Rollinintheseat 
@frogshack I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
@HlessHman When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
@UncleDuke1969 [road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
@SamuelHLowe “Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@MiSsSnObBy I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
@JasonLastname I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
@badbanana Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
@JohnLyonTweets This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@daddydoubts 2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.