It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
2yo: daddy play with me!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!