Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.

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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.


A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.


Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe


Dear spouse:

When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…


Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer.


I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.


Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.


I saw a video of these woodcocks searching for prey in the sand. I added music

Sound ON 🔊