Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE