Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face