I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Hamburger Hinderer.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
.. do you even science?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.