Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?