Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.