me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
So we got a goldfish…
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.