Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.