Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine