ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*