Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me when my alarm goes off
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people