*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ibopfufen
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark