I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*