@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

@TheNardvark

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

@carlyken

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

@DrakeGatsby

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@_theigirl

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

@pittdave13

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible