me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes
nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible