@truegritrumble

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

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@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@sofarrsogud

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

@Vodkantots

My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.

@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend