ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”


Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
That’s it


If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.


Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee


My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.


[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend