ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You Might Also Like
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”