ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
lmfao
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
What the hell happened in there??
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.