Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I’m literally crying
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.