@UncleBob56

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

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@DharBluee

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂

@lovemydogduck

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

@Darlainky

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

@geekonursleeve

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@ashleyn1cole

WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

@GuyThe_Guy

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

@BigPlanetEarth

Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!

Only once though…..

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.