Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

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Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂


Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.


My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.


[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.


woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best


You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.


Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!

Only once though…..


5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.