@UncleBob56

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

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@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@UnicornSyrup

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*

Banker: No sir I need your written signature

@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”