me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
omg leave her alone
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”