Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot