Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Cinematography is my passion
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot