Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
the #horror is real!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*