Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You Might Also Like
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.