Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball