Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
That’s fair
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.