ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.


He died doing what he loved most…

Correcting my grammar.


BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.


The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.

Like father, like son.


I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.


Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.


How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


Friend: *singing along* But I’m a creep. I’m a widow.

Me: Weirdo.

Friend: Sorry, I’ll stop.

Me: No, he says…yeah okay, thanks.