2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
He died doing what he loved most…
Correcting my grammar.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Tomorrow is bring your hangover to work day.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Friend: *singing along* But I’m a creep. I’m a widow.
Friend: Sorry, I’ll stop.
Me: No, he says…yeah okay, thanks.