@okimstillhungry

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

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@jessokfine

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

@briangaar

See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.

@tigersgoroooar

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

@FXTVaddict

Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?

@WheelTod

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

@sheekaxo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@KenJennings

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.