Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Clients after you give them your rates
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?