Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.


*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.


I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.


See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.


Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he


Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?


A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.


Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.