Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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The sacred texts.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute