me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?