ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.