ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”


Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.


Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use


I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


*Gets pulled over by cop*



*Cop removes glasses*


*Both start successful trap house*


I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…


The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.