@Chumpstring

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

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@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

@mynameisntdave

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

@LaziestCanine

Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use

@SeanINCypress

I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@Yung40Ounce

*Gets pulled over by cop*

“Papers?”

“Scissors”

*Cop removes glasses*

“Rocks?”

*Both start successful trap house*

@Papa_Mex

I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…

@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.