me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
every single time
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.