Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.