Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
Date: tell me something interesting
Me: bees make toast
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
i don’t need a mood ring. i have a face.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.