@ArfMeasures

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

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@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@jazz_inmypants

GENIE: i want infinity more bananas

BANANA SALESMAN:

GENIE: do u see how annoying that is

@JenniferJokes

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.