we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Duolingo getting serious.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.