me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.