Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Cinematography is my passion
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”