Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit