Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??


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Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.


Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.


“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner


I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down


My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.


Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo