@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

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@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

@andlikelaura

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@Jake_Vig

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

@i_wantMyBiitch

Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.

@JustMeTurtle

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what