me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee


1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas


when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away


DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.


Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.


That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.


My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.


Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.


me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what