me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking


Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.


People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.


If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.


I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.


I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.


When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.


This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.


Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you