@heyitsJudeD

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

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@ianpauldukes

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@owlcity

If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.

@XplodingUnicorn

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

@Darlainky

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

@aveuaskew

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

@Carbosly

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you